Wednesday, December 3, 2008
There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. Some I initiated myself, some that just so happened to pop up and redirect my course. And yeah, it's been a bit of a weight on my shoulders. It gets overwhelming sometimes and I lose myself in it.
But there's one thing you need to understand.
I didn't want to moan over it.
I didn't want to piss and rant about it.
I didn't want to cry.
I didn't want to think about it before I went to sleep.
I didn't want it to occupy my thoughts in the middle of the day.
I didn't want to let it depress me or bring me down.
I didn't want it to get in the way of my academics.
Nothing. I didn't want or do any of those.
But I wanted to scream.
7:26 AM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Due to some hormonal imbalances, I've been a bit on edge lately. I think it might have amplified everything I've felt in the past week. Because of this, things are a bit weird.
Anyway, I've made a new rule for myself. In the past, there was once a time I got too involved with a guy who already had a girl. As asshole-y as he was, he had a charm. After all that drama, I am now traumatized. It's a good thing, trust me. I am seriously never going back there again. Ever. No friggin' way.
The guys I seem to like/be fond of are either taken, gay, or just... there.The Unattainables. Oh, did I forget to mention this is "let's get together yeah yeah yeah" season? Yep. Second year is the year when holding hands and PDA is in. Normally, I wouldn't mind. In the unspoken code of friendship, I'm happy for the people I know who are very happy with the relationships they're in. For real, it's awesome :)
But as ecstatic as I am to witness the small glances and nudges, the little kisses and shared secret looks, I can't help but feel kind of down. Well, down isn't the right word. More of want of the same thing? Something to that effect. It sounds a little degrading but what can I say? The view from my perspective looks beautiful. Can you blame me for wanting that?
People say that I really should "treasure being single" and whatnot, but here's the thing: they tell me this, but then they're in a relationship themselves. The way I see it, whatever hardships they're going through is worth it. And yeah, being single is cool. I know I'm not the only single girl out there.
It's not the same when you go to a school that's overflowing with walkways lined with couples though. You don't see the hundreds of single men and women when you commute and find them across from you holding hands.
I don't want to look or sound so pathetic and believe me, I rarely voice out this kind of insecurity. It's just been going on for awhile and all the events and changes happening around me... it's a little overwhelming. [Don't forget my hormonal imbalance.]
So yeah. That's basically the first few weeks of my first semester.
Eh, it's just a phase. Focus on the academics for now.
3:41 AM
Sunday, November 23, 2008
This is the best secret.
2:08 AM
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Through all the debuts I've been to, there was mostly one thing that were pretty constant: friend-made videos. My friend Tapel was always the one to make these videos for her friends and last night during her own debut, friends and family had happily returned the favor. They were beautiful and partially embarrassing.
Her mom spoke about Tapel's desire to have her own friend-made video once in high school while working on a video for a friend. She had wanted her own, too.
I never spoke about it nor did I ever ask for it, but the truth is while I attend debuts and watch the stream of pictures appear and fade, I had also wondered the same thing. In the middle of all the teenage angst, problems and events, I had wanted to be surprised for my birthday, too. A video, a surprise party, something like that.
Most likely the problem was that my plans to celebrate big never pushed through and instead, I chose the more logical less expensive path: money and a small party at home. There wasn't really a way for them to give me anything of that range. I didn't even have a projector at home!
But I'm just saying. I think it would have been nice to be pleasantly surprised.
11:24 PM
Monday, November 3, 2008
Yet again a this time of the year I am how I am when there is no school - suffering from a messed up sleeping pattern.
I can't sleep. If I sleep, I sleep at 6 am in the morning. If I try to sleep, I think too much therefore I don't really sleep. I just think.
We didn't have milk so I heated soy milk instead. I don't know if its the same thing but it didn't really work. Maybe I should try the actual milk next time.
I tried to sleep at 6 am and woke up 9 am for the enlistment. I had a friend over, and I probably slept for an hour while she was here. I know, how could I right? Sorryyyy!
At 9 pm, I tried to sleep since I was kind of tired and yawning relentlessly. I gave up around 10:30. Tried again at 12:30 am, gave up at 1:30.
I can't sleep.
I think I'll have to wait 'til school starts to go back to my normal sleeping pattern.
Booo.
9:34 AM
Saturday, November 1, 2008
There's one thing I've always wanted to do.
Life has its way of making us move faster than we expect ourselves to. What started out as the first day of school is all of a sudden fast forwarded a year and here we are. November 1st of 2008. Even the days we have nothing to do we bore ourselves so much that our free times have come to an end and we're back to where we started - stressing over the next paper, the next project, the next bitchy professor or the next big crush. And it never really stops, so why am I blogging about something that seems rather pointless to even talk about?
As rapid the movement of the sun is from sunset to sundown, we owe the quick passing of time to hours and hours of work, hundreds of talks with loved ones or watching How I Met Your Mother when homework and people are absent.
And I do love life and I love doing what I want to do but I can't help the feeling of wanting to just slow down and take some time to myself. No, that doesn't include endless marathons of movies and series.
My idea of "me time" right now is more of just taking a day to go to a coffee shop, ordering some coffee (duh) with a good book in hand, sit down and spend the rest of my day just there, reading. In the middle of the buzz of life where people sit with a person or more, chitchatting, laughing and animatedly sharing gossip, I want to sit there for just a few hours and be very very still from the movement.
I want to be released from the grasp of life just to think and read.
I want to take those hours and spend it on nothing but me because as much as the sum of life makes everything worth it, I can't help but feel for a second to just watch from the sidelines and let everything wash over me.
In short, I just really want some coffee.
6:55 AM
Hello all of you viewers of my blog. How're you doin' these past few boring weeks?
So I had an old blogspot that I used to write in religiously back in high school and the first part of my freshman year in college. I lost time to blog on that though and instead focused on the ever dilemma-ridden college life for the rest of that year.
Now, I'm back. The drama has considerably died down, I've deleted the old account and instead will focus on this one because I'm cool like that.
SO!
Sit back, enjoy, and love me some more. You know you want to, stop denying it. ;)
Cheers!
5:39 AM